Little Thoughts

In less than a week I will be celebrating my birthday and it's got me thinking about my mom. More specifically the days following her passing. What I remember most about these days was how everything in the world somehow seemingly had something to do with death. iIt's funny how you become more highly aware of something and it just seems to be everywhere.

My friends took me to go see Wedding Crashers to cheer me up, to only have that weird funeral scene send me into tears. The new Death Cab for Cutie album was almost entirely about death, which forced me to pull my car over on the freeway and just scream and cry. And in what might have been the worst of those experiences, I picked up where I'd left off in Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince to lose myself in something fun only to read about Dumbledore's death. I remember right before reading that he was killed thinking 'No way Rowling is going to do this to me!' but insteadI ended up just started hysterically crying for what seems like hours. I knew I wasn't actually crying that hard for Dumbledore, though I would have stilled cried some if the situation was different. My mom was really already gone before she actually passed, her mind had left several years prior to her death. Even though I prepared myself for what seemed like forever for her body to give out too, I had no idea that just the act of being able to see her face and hug her (even if she had no clue who I was) was going to hit me so hard. 

I really don't like talking about this period of my life, because it makes me so sad to remember her this way, but birthdays and special occasions make it hard. I just miss her.

10 comments :

  1. I'm really sorry for the loss of your mom...I can't imagine how hard those days were for you. <3

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  2. I'm so so sorry, Amanda! I'm sorry that during that time everything reminded you of her death. I'm sorry your birthday makes you sad as well, but I'm sure if she were here she would want you to be happy.
    ~Sara

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  3. Sorry to hear, I lost my mum far too early also and I know exactly what you mean about seeing death everywhere, it's an eye opening experience. Happy Birthday already, I hope it's filled with love and laughter and all the fondest memories you have of your mum!

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  4. Amanda, I am so sorry to hear about this struggle. I lost my grandma to Alzheimer's and I understand, on a very small level, how heart wrenching those things can be. My heart breaks reading this, but I am glad that you seem to be surrounded by beautiful things and wonderful people that will support you in all your endeavors. You are surrounded by love and I am happy for that!

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  5. amanda, i am so sorry to hear about this. a mother is irreplaceable...i nearly lost mine to cancer last year and i can tell you every day has been a struggle since, wondering if the cancer is going to come back. i know your mother would be so incredibly happy to see the beautiful little family you, will, and sylvester have together. i hope your birthday is filled with love and the fondest memories of your mom. thinking about you <3

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  6. Just a few words by E. E. Cummings for you and your mom

    i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

    my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

    i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

    by only me is your doing,my darling)

    i fear

    no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

    no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

    and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

    and whatever a sun will always sing is you

    here is the deepest secret nobody knows

    (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

    and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

    higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

    and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

    i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

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  7. I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. I never know the right thing to say. If I knew you in person, I would just give you a big hug. Hang in there and happy birthday:)

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  8. Oh, what a sweet post. My grandfather is dying of lung failure and suffering from dementia, and it's kind of taken over my entire being. Cheers to the memory of your mom! Wishing you the best birthday Amanda!
    Trish

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