Little Thoughts

Wedding planning has been lots of fun. I am pretty sure I have already gone through thousands of pages of 'wedding porn' and have sent hundreds of emails back and forth with my wonderful bride's ladies chalk full of inspiration. And while I have been loving almost every minute of this planning, it's been really hard too. My mom died a little over 6 years ago and at the time the idea of planning my wedding wasn't even on the radar, so knowing just how hard the whole wedding planning would be without her really came as a slap in the face.  

The other day Will and I were talking about about life stuff when I just had a full break down. I think now that we are actually getting things rolling for the wedding it really hit me how she isn't here to help me with all the little things like going wedding dress shopping, listening to me rave when I start stressing out, or even telling me that she likes all of my crazy ideas that I absolutely love even if she doesn't. I do have several other amazing women in my life who treat me as one of their own, and are absolutely wonderful at all these things, which I am so thankful for, but at the same time they aren't my mom. 

While Will and I were in Phoenix over Christmas we cleaned out my old room and found some old VHS tapes and decided to watch them. They both were from Christmas when I was three and four, and while they were absolutely hilarious to watch with my bother jumping all over the place and me trying to figure out what the gifts actually were, they also made me so sad. There was my mom long before she got sick  doing an amazing job of juggling helping me open my gifts and laughing at my brothers crazy antics, I just wish I had more vivid memories of these times. It's so hard for me to remember a time before she was sick, and to remember her  as the nutty crafty mom who would send to school with pb&j's sandwiches on orange bread cut into the shape of lack-o-lanters for the entire month of October, or as the amazing trailblazer for all female lawyers in Arizona.

I know there are going to be a lot more tears and even some anger that she isn't here throughout this whole process and I am trying to prepare myself; but I'm not sure if I really can. Thankfully I have Will to help me, I just wish he got a chance to know her because I know she would have absolutely loved him.


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